


I am a monster

by Asahi_san



Category: Original Work
Genre: Bullying, Depressive Thoughts, First work - Freeform, Hate Speech, How Do I Tag, Rants, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, personal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 15:53:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8673370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asahi_san/pseuds/Asahi_san
Summary: I am a monster.Oh please, don't look at me like that , I don't mean it in a bad way, it's just that to you monsters are scary. I'm not scared. You do not fear your skin, your blood or your eyes. I do not fear myself either.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, this is the first work I'll be posting wich was not written in my mother tongue, sorry if there are any mistakes, feel free to tell me in the comments if that's the case, I don't expect any one to read this but if you do, well, welcome to my mind. Please don't be scared. Try to enjoy the ride.

I am a monster.  
Oh please, don't look at me like that , I don't mean it in a bad way, it's just that to you monsters are scary. I'm not scared. You do not fear your skin, your blood or your eyes. I do not fear myself either.  
I probably should.  
I used to at least.  
But when something is constant you stop noticing it. You don't notice greeting the bus driver getting on. You don't notice turning the TV on for the news every evening. You don't notice leaving your bag in the same spot every single day. It's natural.  
So you see, fear stopped existing for me. It shifted and assimilated itslef to the numbness that had been here long before.  
Do you know of the first time I thought of myself as a monster ? Of course you don't, you don't know me and I don't know you, yet I'm talking to you right now.  
To answer my own question, I was 11. See, bullying can put some nasty thoughts in children's head. Like how no one ever wished for us to be born. Like how our parents must regret now. Like how relieved they'd be if I just jumped from the window I'd been mindlessly staring at for the past minutes.  
Adults saw me as a child. Children saw me as trash.  
How many times had I cried myself to sleep wishing for it to be over or for me to be stronger.  
And I did. In a way.  
You know, mind is a powerful thing. If you want something badly enough, it might be granted to you. How relieved I would have been to not be in so much pain anymore had I still been able to feel anything at all. That's where the “I'm a monster” part actually came true.

What do you think makes us human ? I'm asking you because I do not know, but I do not think a human shell is enough. I do not think humans can be soulless. I do not think one can be so utterly empty that starving kids, dying relatives or living under a dictatorship can be seen as minor inconveniences, and still be called human.  
You see I'm a monster, but that's okay, I do not want to be of those who turned me into one.  
I'm fine being a monster.  
I'm fine being different.  
I'm fine being alone.  
As long as it means I am not you.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos would be greatly appreciated, hope you liked it !:)
> 
> (I think this is shit but I always think my works are, even when writing in french and despite teachers and friends being in love with them, so...maybe this is okay ?.)


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